Intrusive Thoughts While Pregnant

*Trigger Warning: Thoughts about pregnancy loss.

I have anxiety and I struggle with intrusive thoughts from time to time. Intrusive thoughts can happen to anyone, really, but they seem to be more prevalent when you have an anxiety disorder (because, well, I obsess over them). 

And then you add on being pregnant. 

Ever since I saw that positive pregnancy test, it’s like the intrusive thoughts have amplified. 

Any time I go to the bathroom, I expect to see blood in the toilet . . . 

Images of a horrific birth experience . . .

Seeing myself sitting in the NICU with a baby hooked up to every cord and monitor imaginable . . . 

And images of the worst possible scenario imaginable. 

But here’s the thing, those intrusive thoughts–they’re not even real. And they sure don’t get to have any power over me. 

Sure, my anxiety will want to play out the whole scene like it’s a skit or something. And if I let it, it’ll go on for minutes–probably hours–if I fixate on these thoughts. 

But I can’t let it. 

Because that’s not what God wants for me. 

He doesn’t want me to be filled with fear as I carry this little one in my womb. He’s saying, “Girl, I got this. I already know how it ends.”

And so, I take my thoughts captive to Him and leave them there. 

Anxiety will play mind tricks and intrusive thoughts will come and go . . . 

But I rest knowing that His hands have control over it all.