Give Me God & a Teddy Bear

I will never forget that sound. 

Every mother’s worst nightmare, the sound of their child in trouble. 

For me, this sound was the noise an oxygen monitor makes when your child’s oxygen levels are dropping. And this is the sound I heard when my daughter was only 3 days old and oh so tiny and helpless. 

My second pregnancy was high risk since my first was premature so that meant high anxiety. I was induced at 37 weeks so she was considered “full term” but still a little early. She came out at a healthy weight, I got to hold her for as long as I wanted, and she latched right away. And she even had eyebrows and eyelashes that were starting to grow in already. Even though she was healthy, we were moved to the pediatrics unit after a couple days because she had jaundice. And every room in this unit had a cute classic TY stuffed animal in it for the kids and ours was a little grizzly bear. Although it was meant to give comfort to the child, it gave comfort to me and I thought it was the sweetest thing. 

She was a couple days old when she had her first choking incident. Luckily a nurse was holding her at the time and was able to beat her back until she cleared her airways. The nurse told us to do that again if that were to happen and to pull the emergency cord in the bathroom. 

So that’s what I did the next time it happened. My husband was feeding her and she stopped breathing, not choking or gasping for air, just not breathing. Even though he was beating her back, she began to turn purple and I panicked. 

I ran to that cord and pulled it as hard as I could but that wasn’t fast enough for me so I hurled myself into the hallway shouting for anyone to come help as my husband proceeded to keep beating her back. 

He got her airways cleared by the time the nurses showed up but we were shaken up after that. From there on out, she was hooked up to that oxygen monitor and a nurse was in the room anytime we fed her. Her levels went down every time she ate and occasionally while she slept (although a slight jerk of the foot could set that darn monitor off). 

I laid awake every night just listening to that monitor and the sound it makes when it’s all good, when she’s all good – breathing and alive. Any slight dip in oxygen and I was running over to her. There just was no sleep for me. There was just me lying in a hospital bed praying to God that my baby girl be okay. Praying that He would help us get through this and that we would get to take her home soon. 

It was a couple days later that I finally went to grab that grizzly bear from the counter and decided to see what his name was on the tag. When I opened it up, I saw that his name was “Montana” and I immediately burst into tears (I should probably mention here that I’m from Montana and live in Michigan). 

There was no other explanation for that bear being in that room with us other than a sign from God that we were going to be okay, that she was going to be okay. 

Out of all the rooms in a large hospital and all the TY stuffed animals in the world, that bear was sent there to comfort me and send a message that God was with us. It was exactly what I needed at that moment and I finally was able to sleep that night (as best as you can sleep in a hospital). 

Since my daughter’s main issue was breathing while she ate, we did some occupational therapy to help her learn the suck, swallow, breath motion and how we could best hold her while we fed her. After six days in the hospital, we were finally released and could take our daughter home, it was the best feeling in the world!

For weeks I listened to her breath at home while she slept. Her bassinet was as close to my bed as I could get it. And I wouldn’t let anyone else feed her besides my husband and I for fear she’d choke. I wouldn’t even feed her by myself and always had my husband in the room just in case. I still get anxious anytime I hear her choke. Eventually though the memories will fade of the sound of that monitor. I’ll still worry anytime my children choke (I am human) but someday the fear of them choking will turn into greater fears as they entire the world as adults. 

The one thing that will not fade though – my trust in Him and my love for a little teddy bear named Montana.